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An Idiot guide to Recession Christmas By Emeka Oparah

Emeka Oparah
It will be mendacious to say this year’s Christmas will be like others before. We are in a recession, be it technically or geographically, and we cannot pretend it will be business as usual. In actual fact, anyone who is already not implementing some form of structural adjustment plan or austerity measure is living in denial and will sooner rather than latter bear the consequences, if not already doing so.

It is my wish that this addition to the Idiot Series isn’t coming day after the fair, and you will find it useful and good enough to share with friends and family. As an idiot guide, it is so simplified that even a moron can understand. Here we go:

1. Remember that Christmas comes every year, and so it will come in 2017. I bet you before you know it, another Christmas, hopefully a better Christmas, will be here. 

2. You don’t need new clothes neither do your children, for those who have children. Dust up your “bottom box”, your best of best, and use it on Christmas Day. Perhaps, I should add that you should check the clothes for stains-from the last time you used it-and also clean and polish the shoes. You’re good to go!

3. We never missed rice on Christmas Day as children and I see no reason why you should miss it this year. Why? So, eat rice. However, remember there are neighbors who can’t afford rice. So, eat rice but give some to others around and spread the joy of Christmas.

4. You don’t have to travel. For my brethren from the South East, who make a ritual of that trip back home, don’t do it this year. Save the money. Remember there’s January after December. If you spend the little you have on travel and other sundry planned (and unplanned) expenses in the village, January will turn to Passion Month. School fees are waiting for you after Christmas and government will not postpone resumption date, and even if it does, the private proprietors of schools will not. Cram that.

5. Traditionally, people schedule family events during the Christmas period. This is a Christmas with a difference. So, postpone them. If you’re invited, please send your transport fare and other as gift and don’t go.

6. Christmas is a season for giving and sharing. Please give more and share more, especially with the less privileged. Is there an old man or old woman that’s been coming to your mind? Find him or her and give her a gift this Christmas. More importantly, the gift of love is the greatest gift. So, show some love to people around you-at home, in the compound, in the neighborhood and in the community.

7. Do not give to those who don’t need it. Don’t invest in those hampers this year. Send your clients greeting and tell them you want to invest the money for hampers in helping the less privileged this year. I promise you they will understand and appreciate.

8. Then, you see all those security men and folks who greet you as many times as you drive past, don’t mind them. They are greeting your car not you. If you doubt me, drop the SUV or expensive car and come in a cheaper car or even walk through and see whether they will notice you. They might even stop and search your car. Trust me on this; I know what I’m talking about.

9. If you have children in school, this is the time to keep their school fees in safe deposit or make plans to have the money ready upon resumption. Do not think the school authorities are insensitive or callous by demanding the fees “barely two weeks after Christmas.” That is the reality, my friend and you better prepare your mind (and of course, your pocket) for it.

10. For those men who have taken to concubines to augment their insatiable libidinous proclivities, I’m sorry for you. You are totally snookered because calls must be coming from upandan by now-from your harem asking for some form of support or the other. Well, I have a useful tip for you: Write them postdated cheques and tell your bank not to honor them. Thank me after.

11. Have you read the 2017 Budget Proposal presented to the joint session of the National Assembly? If not, please look for it and read and be wise. Then, start preparing your own budget. Like the government, you will have a plan to work with in terms of what your earnings will be and the expected expenditure because 2017 will be tough on those who don’t plan and those who live beyond their means.

12. Blame Buhari. Anything you fail to do, rather than take responsibility, just blame Buhari. 

Merry Christmas.
An Idiot guide to Recession Christmas By Emeka Oparah An Idiot guide to Recession Christmas By Emeka Oparah Reviewed by Emeka Oparah on Sunday, December 18, 2016 Rating: 5

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